


what you are is a daydream i'll never get to hold

by kingofmyheart



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Friends to Lovers, M/M, and also VERY dumb :((, jeonghan is whipped, jeonghan pov mostly, tone is inconsistent bc it be like dat sumtimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 11:40:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20257501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingofmyheart/pseuds/kingofmyheart
Summary: Jeonghan can't remember how or when it happened. He can't trace it back to a moment of falling, or a moment of epiphany. All he knows is that he's in love with his best friend from high school and he thinks he can hide it forever.Or: Jeonghan spends winter break cold from the weather, and warm from his best friend’s company.





	what you are is a daydream i'll never get to hold

**Author's Note:**

> was mourning lack of seokhan fics so i took matters into my own hands  
unplanned so it's quite a lot of bullshit and not much sense  
casual 11k word dump amirite

Jeonghan waits impatiently by the sheltered car park. He doesn't understand why it's such a big deal that there's a dog under a tree in this weather, or why it needs "saving". The tree makes for a surprisingly decent shelter. The dog looks fine. But whatever Seokmin says goes. So here he stands watching his very sensitive very empathetic very _ foolish _friend dash out in heavy rain with no protection, towards the shivering fleabag. 

He tries not to further question his friend's instinct to play firefighter with the dog. He decides that his sunny friend is just especially kindhearted to a fault. And that Jeonghan isn’t evil to suggest that leaving the dog be is as reasonable a decision as any. 

Seokmin comes back as a very wet man with a very wet dog wrapped in his very wet flannel. Jeonghan thinks the dog would've been better off (and drier too) left under that tree. But he says nothing. He shakes his head at his friend and his friend's friend. He supposes this is ultimately a good situation because this way he gets to see the soft look in Seokmin’s face that he has around anything cute in general. The same look that Jeonghan has around anything Seokmin in general. Who cares if his car smells like wet dog? 

The drive back is relatively uneventful save from when Seokmin made baby sounds at the brown creature and Jeonghan had to hold the urge to drive straight into a streetlight. But Jeonghan is nothing if not exceptionally great at controlling his emotions, so all is well and they arrive at his apartment whole. 

-

Jeonghan sits on the dining room chair of his one-room apartment (courtesy of his parents who are as doting as they are rich) and scrolls through Naver for answers on questions of the universe, such as "how to dry wet car seat" and "how to remove odour from car".

He notices in the background, the buzzing of his very expensive hairdryer and realises that Seokmin plans to simply dry himself and the stray and call it a day. Now, Jeonghan isn't a clean-freak by any means but any reasonable person would get that rain water amongst polluted air crosses some sort of personal hygiene line.

Jason, the name Jeonghan had so graciously bestowed upon the dog on the way home, sits still on the sink accepting his fate with the mysterious heat machine. The flannel is discarded into the laundry basket and Seokmin stands relatively drier, still in the same clothes.

"I should stay over tonight. To take care of Jason. Soonyoung is allergic." Seokmin says. Jeonghan sees the expression on his face through the reflection on the mirror. He sees the pressing of lips and the knitted eyebrows. A look of concentration, Jeonghan's mental Seokmin handbook tells him. It's cute to see him so devoted to the dog and Jeonghan can feel his heart clench at the sight.

"Right. But the dog goes tomorrow." Seokmin shows no sign of having heard him but Jeonghan knows he did. The boy is avoiding the inevitable for now, and enjoying his time while he can, Jeonghan deduces.

He walks toward the shower area, grabs the shower hose and aims steadily. “There’s no point in drying yourself. You might as well take a shower and wash the dog too.” 

Seokmin looks up at the mirror finding Jeonghan behind him, a shower head in one hand. Before he can do anything, Jeonghan turns on the shower and warm water shoots him square in the back. 

(Seokmin is full-on pouting but it quickly dissipates at the sound of Jeonghan’s goofy laughter. Seokmin loves how he makes the weirdest sounds when laughing, going through all the vowels almost rhythmically. He watches the way Jeonghan’s face lights up with humour, nose scrunched and teeth bared. He could stare all day. Not that Jeonghan notices any of this.)

Jeonghan catches the playful smile forming on Seokmin’s lips as he charges towards him, ready to tackle. Jeonghan shoots water at his chest and dodges him. 

Before he can properly run off, he feels hands hugging him from the back. Seokmin captures him in a wet embrace, as he tries to wriggle free. He’s laughing full-bellied at this point, and jokingly screams to be freed. He manages to escape his grasp, yelling a “Make sure to wash the dog clean!” before leaving the bathroom and closing the door behind him.

He gently rests his back on the door, getting down from the short-lived high. He doesn’t want to think about how warm and safe the embrace felt, or the sound of Seokmin’s melodic laughter ringing right behind his ear. He doesn’t want to think at all.

* * *

Jeonghan stands at the side patting Seokmin's back while the man is crouched down whispering quick goodbyes at Jason. It's ridiculous. They've known the dog for less than a day and this he's acting like he's sending his son off to college. 

"Ok, wrap it up, big guy," he rushes the farewell, not wanting them to be late. He doesn’t miss Seokmin nosing the little pup’s face. He feels his heart aww-ing. Like a traitor. He removes his hand from Seokmin's back and tells him they should start leaving for class.

Seokmin straightens up and waves a last goodbye at Jason under the tree he found him in. The moment hands let go, Jason walks away, showing no attachment whatsoever to the two. Jeonghan huffs jokingly, seeing Seokmin frown at the one-sidedness of the whole situation. 

"Come on. You can't be late for Professor Kim. I don't want to hear you whining about him publicly shaming you again."

* * *

Jeonghan is trying to focus on the movie. Seungkwan is making him watch a musical and it sounds vaguely familiar to him but he can’t remember why. He doesn’t doubt that it’s good but he’s not made for movies. He doesn’t have the attention span nor the interest. But that doesn’t stop him from being dragged into virtually any movie night his friends orchestrate. This time it’s just him and good ol’ Boo Seungkwan. 

Seungkwan, ever the romantic, coos at the main characters dancing and singing in a dark street. Jeonghan watches the female lead’s dress and he finds that yellow is a really pleasant colour. It makes him think of Seokmin, however, and he’s not sure he likes that fact very much. 

Yellow is vibrant, happy and energetic. Yellow is kind-hearted, sensitive to people’s feelings, and so full of care. Yellow will write you long paragraphs with words of encouragement and support when you’re feeling doubtful, words of congratulations and genuine happiness when something good happens to you, and words of understanding and tender love when you feel like you can’t go on any longer.

_ ...yellow?_

(Seungkwan notices his company staring at blank space, his mind deep in a different la la land. He nudges him a little and sees him come to his senses. He apologises for not paying attention, but it wasn’t like Seungkwan expected anything else. His hyung has never been one for movies, but Seungkwan always asks for his company anyway because, despite all that, he never says no.)

When the credits roll, Seungkwan excuses himself to the bathroom to wash his tear-stained face. Jeonghan supposes that he might’ve cried if he was more invested in the story from the start. But alas, all he feels is tired. He takes out his phone and sees a text from earlier.

**Seokmin**

dinner? [06:12pm]

**Jeonghan**

im gonna order in [06:28pm]

for kwan and i [06:28pm]

u can come join us [06:29pm]

sick. ok im omw [06:35pm] 

“Seokmin is joining us for dinner,” Jeonghan tells Seungkwan, who emerges from the bathroom.

“How nice of your boyfriend to grace us with his presence.”

He’s only teasing but nevertheless, Jeonghan clarifies. “He’s not my boyfriend.”

Seungkwan wiggles his eyebrows trying to look smug, but it doesn’t work because his face is all red and puffy from crying and Jeonghan is holding back laughter. He decides to ignore him and goes to order fried chicken because he feels like it. 

After Jeonghan ends the call with the restaurant, he gets another message.

**Seokmin**

i want chicken [06:47pm]

-

After approximately 10 minutes of sulking, Seokmin finally decides to join them at the dining table. He loves La La Land and was a little upset he wasn’t invited ( _"Hyung, I’ve told you before that this is my favourite movie. Why didn’t you call?"_ ). Jeonghan pokes Seokmin's cheek and thinks his pout should be eternalised in frame.

Jeonghan enjoys his chicken quietly while the other two geek out over songs and dance numbers and more musical stuff he doesn’t quite get. He finds himself staring at Seokmin, the slope of his nose, the dimples at the corners of his chin, and the crow’s feet from smiling too much. Nothing has changed since high school. Not the tan of his skin, not his messy black hair, not the twinkling crescent moons he calls eyes. 

He’s gotten into this habit, lately, of staring at his best friend. Or thinking about him constantly. He doesn’t know where it came from or what triggered it but it’s been persistent for a few days now. Seokmin has always been around, and they’ve always been close, and Jeonghan has always been a little in love with him. He’s managed well before, so he doesn’t get why all of a sudden he’s feeling a lot of, well, feelings.

He recalls his mom telling him that bottling up his feelings would do no good, and that it would burst one day. Maybe that is what’s happening to him. That he’s arrived at the threshold of his emotional capacity before he will soon explode into fragments of unattended feelings, buried past, and darkest emotions. Or maybe mars is in retrograde. Whatever that means.

He gets a headache and concludes that none of it matters. Nothing has changed between them, so he doesn’t see why he can’t continue going on as usual. He’s decided since long ago. His feelings will be buried until it disappears and he will carry on with life. They will remain friends; he thinks he can stay like this forever.

Seokmin catches him staring, and returns a warm smile. Jeonghan starts doubting he’ll last much longer.

* * *

In November, Seokmin is rosy-cheeked and sparkling as he invites Jeonghan to join his family trip for a short winter break.

“Why would I wanna go with you? It’s so tiring.” He teases.

“Ahh hyung don’t be like that. It’s gonna be so fun!” He purses his lips.

“I need to recharge. I’m gonna sleep all winter.” Jeonghan puts up an act with an exaggerated sigh and rests the side of his face on his arm.

“Come on! It’s only the last few days of winter break. We’re visiting my aunt in Gangwon, you’ll like it. We can take walks, it’s really pretty there.” At this point, Seokmin is giddy with excitement and shaking Jeonghan’s arm incessantly. Jeonghan feigns a painful yelp and he is immediately enveloped into a hug. 

He ponders about spending winter break surrounded by velvety snow, the warmth of his best friend’s company, and the charm of a new environment. He mentally prepares his deep-seated emotions to last through winter unscathed.

In all honesty though, he just can’t wait.

* * *

Jeonghan watches the expanse of snowy landscapes pass him at high speed. He nudges a snoring Seokmin awake. He’s in a post-sleeping trance as his eyes blink continuously at the blinding white scenery. Opposite their seat, Seohyun chuckles at his messy hair (in the shape of the crook of Jeonghan’s neck) and his overall clueless demeanor.

He turns to look at Jeonghan, who gazes at him endearingly [see: Paragraph 3; 2nd Last Sentence]. Jeonghan pats down his hair and congratulates him on not drooling on his shoulders for the first time. 

“Lies!” Seokmin yells, but it’s a little weak in his incoherent state. Seohyun laughs, cooing at her adorable baby brother. 

She shakes her head disapprovingly “The horrors you subject Hannie to. He’s a warrior to put up with you.”

“It’s not true! But if anything, he’s a real-life angel.” And it’s comedic, how quickly he’s willing to drop defamation of his character just to praise Jeonghan. 

“That’s right. All I ask in return is your firstborn.” Jeonghan chips in, all professional and serious. 

“Hyung, that’s a witch!”

Seohyun and Jeonghan cackle at a slowly-smiling Seokmin, who couldn’t be happier at the sight of his favourite people getting along. 

-

Jeonghan’s words should always be taken with a grain of salt, but Seokmin _ did _ have a minor drooling problem at some point.

(_ “That was way back in sophomore year!” _)

-

“Thank you for having me.” Jeonghan bows at Seokmin’s aunt. She’s no older than 40 and has a playful spark in her eyes, not unlike his own. 

“Is this the boyfriend from high school your mom told me about, Minnie? He sure is a handsome one.”

Playful indeed. 

Jeonghan distracts himself from his quickening heartbeat with the sight of Seokmin in the state of utter embarrassment. His face is completely red as he stutters, “No, I don't have a boyfriend! He’s just a friend.”

He looks at Jeonghan alarmed, and Jeonghan decides he won’t give him peace just yet. 

“Is that all I am to you?” Jeonghan says, keeping his voice low.

At this, Seokmin is completely horrified. “Wait, that’s not what I mean! You’re my best friend!”

“But you said your best friend was Soonyoung.”

“You’re both my best friends!”

“Really?” 

“Yeah, of course.” Seokmin reassures, reaching out to pat him. 

“Well then, who do you like better?” Jeonghan drops his act with a grin. 

The pat on his back becomes a loud smack. He whines about being genuinely worried over hurting his feelings. Jeonghan states that he still hasn’t answered the question yet. Seokmin ignores him and leaves for the living room with his aunt, who bears witness to their childish antics. 

Jeonghan follows them, not really knowing what to do, and watches Seokmin mess with the heater. Jeonghan shrugs off his coat and scarf and looks cluelessly around the space before Seokmin takes them from him and hangs them by the door. 

“There’s food in the kitchen. I recommend the kimchi jeon.” 

“Noted.”

“Also-”

“Hm?”

“I swear I didn’t say that we’re dating.” he says sheepishly. 

Jeonghan doesn’t understand why he needs to reaffirm it; it was obviously just innocent teasing. “Of course. We aren’t, after all.” And he has to admit, it kinda hurts saying it out loud. 

* * *

On Saturday, Seokmin brings him to see some rocks. 

( _“It’s a waterfall!”_ )

Calling it a waterfall is being very generous. It is (frozen) water flowing (not really since it’s frozen) out of some ugly rocks. The scenery isn’t all that. He guesses that it is _ sort of _ cool to see a frozen waterfall, but nothing great. But he decides anything with Seokmin is fun enough. And he loves walks.

He looks around the place. Even more rocks.

“We should walk around. Don’t be mistaken, I am absolutely enchanted by the rock with the big piece of ice, but I wanna give the other rocks some love too.” he says, starting to walk aimlessly.

“Don’t be mean. It’s a nice place.” Seokmin whines, following his footsteps.

“Sure.”

“It’s in tourism books!”

“Of course.”

“Hyung, I asked you if you wanted to go fishing or see a waterfall and you said waterfall!” He’s frowning a little but Jeonghan knows it’s not all serious.

“I’m just messing with you. I like it here it’s peaceful. But you gotta admit, the waterfall is kinda drab.”

“Honestly, I wanted to fish.” Seokmin admits.

“Well then why didn’t you say that? I would’ve been fine doing what you wanted.”

“But you’re the guest!”

“Seok, I’m not here to cross bucket lists. I literally just chose to see a waterfall randomly. I’m down for anything.”

“Anything?”

“Anything.”

“Like hiking up a mountain at night to stargaze?” the sheer desire twinkling in Seokmin’s eyes almost makes Jeonghan say yes. Almost.

He’s extremely sorry but hiking is too tiresome for him. He’s also not interested in mountains, or the idea of lying down on hard ground in the freezing cold to look at dots in the sky. It sounded nothing short of torturous. And it’s not like you need to be over 1000-metres above sea-level to see stars. It's a topic Seokmin has brought up time and time again. He's surprised Soonyoung, who indulges in Seokmin's strange interests, hasn't brought him yet.

They continue walking around for half an hour talking about everything from exams to mythological snow creatures. Jeonghan isn’t sure why his friend is so well-versed in western hoaxes, but he doesn’t question it. 

-

When they’re commuting home, Jeonghan says he wants to visit a cafe. So they alight the bus 5 stations away from home and Seokmin brings him to a small eatery.

The interior is very humble, from their dull cashier counter, to the plastic chairs and tables, and to the chipped grey walls. It’s a contrast to the highly-stylised and glossy cafes he was used to in Seoul, but he finds the array of desserts lining the counter and the aromatic scent of coffee to be promising.

He looks around as Seokmin orders their food. Jeonghan’s curiosity draws him towards the dozens of framed pictures on the wall. The first few frames show what seems to be a family, happy against many different backdrops. He walks further left and the pictures show more faces along with the family members. Near the corner, he notices a familiar face. The picture is too small and too old to be detailed but he’s confident it’s Seokmin’s aunt, decades younger.

“That’s my aunt right there.” Seokmin speaks from beside him. Jeonghan didn’t notice him approaching so he’s taken by surprise at his proximity. Seokmin places a finger at a face in the photograph, confirming his suspicions.

“It’s her and her middle school friends. That’s the owner of this cafe.” Seokmin points at the face next to his aunt. Captured mid-laugh and hands pulling on pigtails is the owner of this humble cafe.

“And the barista? How do you know him?” Jeonghan asks. He had noticed earlier, his friend chatting with the young barista.

“Changhoon? He’s the owner’s son. I used to play with him whenever I came to visit. But it’s been a while so it’s a little awkward.” He smiles shyly and scratches his ear.

“Oh, he’s a friend? Why didn’t you introduce me then? You didn’t want to?” He just can’t help it with the little teasings.

“You never like it when I introduce you to people!”

“That’s true. But this is your childhood friend, I have important intel to gather.”

“Hyung…” Seokmin whines, and Jeonghan sees the compliance flash in his eyes. “Fine, let’s go introduce yourself.”

-

Changhoon is all smiles and heavily coffee-scented when he introduces himself with a firm handshake. He mentions Jeonghan’s “city-boy handsomeness” which leaves Seokmin chuckling, and Jeonghan doesn't know how to respond. 

After personally making their drinks, Changhoon passes the cashier to another worker and sits with the two by the window. Jeonghan tries not to cringe at the plastic chair legs scratching across the concrete floor. He sips on the piping hot latte (delicious, of course) and begins interrogating his new company.

Turns out, Changhoon has a lot more stories about Seokmin than Jeonghan would’ve imagined. He’s also very open to share the episodes, much to Seokmin’s dismay.

Jeonghan finds out little things like Seokmin being chubby as a kid, having a bowl-cut up until middle school, and accidentally ripping off his big toe nail on three different occasions. Jeonghan asks about braces, but turns out Seok has always had perfect little teeth.

He also finds out about Seokmin and Changhoon getting lost in the same waterfall park they visited just hours ago. Seokmin had cried continuously while Changhoon looked for a way out. They were 8 and 9 respectively, Seokmin mentions, defending his crybaby antics. Changhoon uses this to boast his intelligence and responsibility as a child.

Among other things, Changhoon shares a few dumb instances, like wrapping a dead squirrel as a Christmas present, falling into an ice fishing hole trying to catch a fish with bare hands, and ditching his gloves for more control while skiing in negative degrees weather.

Jeonghan also learns about 11-year-old Seokmin’s crush on an 18-year-old Japanese exchange student his aunt had hosted once. 

“You had to see him back then. He was constantly staring at him with heart eyes.”

“I was not!”

“He’d take us to the park sometimes and Seok called them dates.”

“I did not!”

“He kept ditching me to stay home and watch him all day.”

“This is defamation! You’re making me sound weird.”

“You were. You cried when you had to go back to Seoul. You called him your soulmate.”

Jeonghan laughs throughout the conversation, imagining little Seokmin, as innocent as he is dumb, googly-eyed at a cool teenager. 

Seokmin pouts at the injustice given to his character, and Jeonghan can’t help but laugh even more. His adorable, pouty, and crybaby best friend. His best friend who thinks so kindly of anyone and anything, who has crushes on brother figures, and who puts himself on the spot just to make people smile.

"Imagine how amazed he'd be if he sees you now. The little Korean boy from his host family who had an embarrassing crush on him has grown up so well." Jeonghan rubs his shoulder and consoles him, "I'm sure you're handsomer now than he was back then."

Seokmin tries to hide the blush blooming on his cheeks but this only earns him more teasing from the two.

They go back to the house that night with Jeonghan a little bit warmer and a little bit more in love.

* * *

Sunday sees the both of them shoveling snow in the front yard while Seohyun watches with a cup of hot tea in hand, and Seokmin’s aunt and parents are inside preparing lunch. Jeonghan starts with decent shoveling power that dwindles away not five minutes into the activity. Seokmin might not have started with a bang like his hyung did, but he maintains his stamina throughout. Jeonghan decides to take a rest and sits on top of the pile of snow that gathered.

“I’m not made for this kind of work, Seok. I can’t feel my arms.”

“Just a bit more, hyung. You can do it. Don’t make me do everything.”

“I’m serious, I think I might die. If you love me you’ll do this for me.”

“Maybe I don’t love you?” Seokmin responds in mock seriousness, then he smirks. “How about this, you help me and when we’re done, I’ll give you a kiss.”

“I don’t want your kiss! You can keep it.” Jeonghan feigns being upset, but proceeds to pick up his shovel again.

Seokmin smiles at him as Jeonghan aggressively shovels snow with newfound vigour.

They finish the task quickly, the promise forgotten in the cool of the weather and the grumble of their stomachs. They make it back to the house with Seohyun and are thoroughly excited at the sight of the home-cooked food gracing the dining table. They thank the adults for the meal and go on to scarf everything down in record time. There’s something about winter that taps into the glutton in everyone.

Seohyun volunteers to wash the dishes after not having done any chores earlier, leaving Jeonghan and Seokmin free to retire to their shared room, tired and tummy full.

Jeonghan plops face down on his mattress, it’s the perfect condition to take a nap. As if having read his mind, he feels Seokmin throw a blanket over him and a pillow at his head. Jeonghan takes the pillow with a groan and puts it under his head. He hears a distant “I’ll take you somewhere this afternoon” before falling fast asleep.

-

Now, Jeonghan isn’t a narcissist by any means. In fact, if anything, his self-worth lacks a little. He’s constantly bitten by insecurity just like the next person. But if he were to choose one thing he is confident in, it is being skilful in just about any sport. He isn’t prodigal or anything close to special, but being decent in any sports he tries for the first time _ is _ a legitimate talent. It was like that with tennis, swimming, rock-climbing, golfing, and the list goes on. Now, he’s discovered that not only is he an angel on normal ground, he’s also one on ice too. 

It’s his first time ice skating and he finds that balancing himself on a slippery surface with blades as his foundation is surprisingly easy. And fun too. He glides around in big circles with increasing speed and wonders how he’s never thought to skate before in his 22 years of living. 

Seokmin had woken him up from his nap earlier and brought him to this frozen lake, repurposed into a skating rink. It’s not too crowded, in fact Jeonghan finds the crowd size to be very pleasant. Enough people to contribute to the happy atmosphere, but not so many that they’re bumping elbows.

He looks around the rink and spots Seokmin near the corner, helping a kid who must have fallen. He watches his friend gently lifting the kid up by the hand, and balancing him on the ice. He’s still holding the kid’s hand as he guides him to skate properly.

Jeonghan thinks he might just melt in this -7°C surrounding, witnessing the scene unfolding before him. Would Seokmin have helped him too if he was struggling? Jeonghan curses his god-given talent.

Seokmin guides the little boy with so much care and attentiveness. The smile on his face is bright and kind as he looks at the boy’s face to make sure he’s okay. Before he can help much longer, however, he’s interrupted by an older-looking child, probably a brother, who takes over. He sees Seokmin wave them goodbye and then look around the rink. He finds Jeonghan’s gaze and begins skating towards him. Jeonghan does the same.

They meet in the middle and Jeonghan notices the smile on Seokmin’s face settling into a warmth and familiarity different from the smiles he offers to strangers (or really anyone other than Jeonghan). Jeonghan starts smiling just the same. Seokmin brings out one hand with an open palm and Jeonghan accepts it, stupidly giddy inside. He curses his dumb nerves. They start circling the rink side-by-side slowly.

“As expected, you’re doing so well already. The ever-so-talented Jeonghan-hyung.”

“Careful. My ego is at an all-time high. I feel so cool right now.”

“Your ego’s been maxed out forever ago. Remember in high school everyone was convinced you were a secret SM trainee?”

“Perfectly understandable. I am _ very _ striking.”

“Proving my point. You are a very handsome, very talented hyung. And you are so much kinder and loving than you let yourself believe. I can say all that without worrying your ego will burst.”

Jeonghan doesn’t understand how Seokmin can just say things like that so easily.

“My loyal dongsaeng, I’ve raised you well.”

“Mmm.” Seokmin nods, “Aren’t you going to compliment me as well?”

Jeonghan almost slips on the ice. It’s not that he has nothing nice to say about him. He has plenty, even. But baring it all is beyond his capability. He’s not Seokmin; he can’t just say things like that.

Seokmin is exceedingly kind, impressively gentle. He’s patient and understanding. He smiles with his whole face, and is always the first to light up the whole room. He’s shamelessly funny, and would put anyone else above himself. 

He’s also undoubtedly, extremely handsome; he’s all sharp angles and a classic charm. Seokmin looks like he was carved from marble with the aim to render audiences speechless at his beauty. He’s almost intimidatingly handsome, but the image doesn’t hold up when he’s always beaming his bright, infectious smile.

“You are so cute. Like a baby.” 

_Nice one, Jeonghan_.

Seokmin laughs at that. He playfully whines that he’s not cute; that he’s regal and devastatingly good-looking. Jeonghan pretends he doesn’t already realise the latter points.

They continue skating in comfortable silence as the blue of the sky transforms into a symphony of gorgeous pinks and oranges. Snow-covered trees loom over them in beautiful contrast against the sky, the frozen lake a mere rift in the picturesque landscape.

Equally breathless from the scenery as he is from holding Seokmin’s hand, Jeonghan can’t help but take in the romance of it all. He’s overwhelmed. It’s the cliched feeling of not wanting the moment to end. He feels his emotions bubbling dangerously close to the brim.

Stubbornly, Jeonghan thinks that he can hide his feelings forever, if only they can continue being like this. That all these little occasions are an outlet for him to be loving under the guise of friendship, and it will keep him sane. 

He doesn’t think when he kisses Seokmin’s cheek. 

He pulls back immediately in shock, and his friend looks no different. He thinks he might be losing his mind a little. But it’s okay. It’s okay. He’s fine. He can’t show any sign of panic or else it’d be out-of-character. He needs to play it off. He stretches his mouth into toothy smile. He thinks he might just be convincing enough because then Seokmin starts grinning too.

“Ah, but I’m the one who owes you a kiss?”

Jeonghan presses his lips together and shakes his head comically, “We’ll have to take a rain check on that one.”

* * *

They don’t have any specific plans together for Monday. Jeonghan is laying on the sofa and pulling on loose threads on his pyjama sleeves. He surmises that today is his rest day. Not that the past couple of days had been strenuous at all, but Jeonghan is nothing if not easily tired.

Seokmin had gone to meet extended relatives with his family earlier. Jeonghan chose not to go. Family reunions are awkward by default, and he doesn’t want to know how much more awkward it would be to attend one as an outsider. Asian families are massive and he’s not keen to meet Seokmin’s second cousin twice removed or his great aunt’s stepdaughter’s child.

It’s close to the afternoon, having wasted half the day on his phone and napping. He stares blankly into the black television screen until he hears a car engine at the front door. He greets everyone as they enter the house carrying bags of what he assumes is takeout food.

“We dropped by a small restaurant and bought early dinner,” Seokmin’s mom tells him. He gets up from the sofa and goes straight to the kitchen to help them lay the table.

While he’s munching on a particularly chewy dumpling, Seokmin’s mom asks him if he did anything himself today. He tells her no.

“You can’t do nothing. We’re only here for a few days. Minnie, take him somewhere.”

“Anywhere you wanna visit?” Seokmin turns to him and asks.

“Not really. I’m fine just staying here.”

“That won’t do. Maybe Minnie can bring you to the city?”

“No, the shops close early. What about hiking?”

Jeonghan raises his brows, not liking where this is going.

“Hiking? It’s getting late though. It’ll be really dangerous to hike in the dark.” There’s a hint of confusion in his mom’s voice at the odd suggestion. He guesses that Seokmin might not have been very vocal about his very specific fixation to his family.

“I hear that stars are really clear around that area.”

Jeonghan tries to not sigh too loudly, not wanting to leave a bad impression in front of Seokmin’s parents. Seokmin knows Jeonghan wouldn’t dare say no in this situation, so Jeonghan hopes that his parents reject the idea.

“You wanna stargaze? That sounds really nice, but it’ll be really dark and cold.”

“There are headlight helmets in the basement. And we’ll bring spare jackets.”

“Well then, if you’re sure.”

“Hyung?” Jeonghan is finally brought back into the conversation that was supposed to be about what _ he _ wanted to do. He gives in.

“Sounds great.”

The smile Seokmin sports makes Jeonghan drop all negative thoughts. A happy, excited Seokmin makes everything worth it.

-

The hike is relatively uneventful. Jeonghan rests every 15 minutes, and Seokmin keeps adjusting the straps of his haversack. They wear three layers each to fend off the cold, and are smothered in colourful scarves. The helmets on their heads are a little loose, but Jeonghan finds that they light up the way a lot brighter than he expected.

They make it to the top, and Jeonghan stops to catch his breath. He looks down at the view and even in the darkness, he can make out the blanket of snow covering the vast mountain range completely. The snow glows dimly in the dark, and it’s breathtaking. But that’s the last thing he needs right now. He needs to lie down and rest.

He puts down his backpack (child’s play compared to Seokmin’s) and sits on the ground. He checks the time on his phone, 07:41pm, and sees Seokmin put down his bag and proceed to lie down flat on his back. He points up and tells Jeonghan to look. So Jeonghan adjusts to lie down too, and looks up.

“God, this is better than I imagined. What do you think? Pretty magical right?”

“It looks like dandruff.”

“Yeah but the beautiful kind. Like yours.”

“I don’t have dandruff.”

“Hyung, everyone has dandruff.”

“Not me. I’m a higher form of being.”

“Sure.”

(Jeonghan can joke however much he wants, but Seokmin knows he’s amazed. Seokmin is always right.)

Jeonghan won’t admit it, due to some fucked up sense of pride or some_ tsundere_ shit, but the sight was pretty damn magical. He forgets the cold for a minute and is enraptured by the twinkling sky.

In theory, specks of light in the sky doesn’t sound all that intriguing to him, neither do the pictures. Seeing it with his own eyes, however, actually feels magical. He can’t believe something so mundane could be so spectacular. He can’t quite put a finger on it, but being reminded of the infinite space beyond makes him feel weird. It transports him back to being 8 years old, with the whole world ahead of him.

“I bet the sunrise view from here would be killer.” Seokmin says.

“We have mountains we can visit during spring back home too. Waiting for the sun to rise in below freezing temperatures is dumb.”

“Dumber than hiking up a mountain at night to stargaze in dangerously low temperatures?”

“Hey, I've told you this was a horrible idea.”

“Yeah. But we’re here anyway.”

“We are not staying until sunrise, Seok. I can't feel my toes.”

Not 10 minutes into looking at the stars, Jeonghan thinks he might have lost his sense of mobility. At least while hiking up, his body was active and moving so the cold wasn’t numbing, but now that he’s lying still on his back, he feels like dying.

“You’re shivering so much,” Seokmin gets up to wrap a padded jacket on his cold friend, “you remind me of Jason.”

It takes Jeonghan a second to recall who Jason is. He shakes his head at the memory of that damned dog, and then grimaces at the memory of the wet dog smell that haunted his car for a whole week. _ On to the present._

“This must be what Captain America felt like when he crashed into the Arctic.” Jeonghan attempts to make movie references Seokmin enjoys from time to time.

“How the hell do you know that?”

“We watched the movie together.”

“I didn’t think you were paying attention!”

“I didn’t. I only picked up about the last 10 minutes.”

Seokmin puts a second jacket over Jeonghan’s legs and gives him a firm pat before laying back down himself. 

“I don’t know why you keep agreeing to watch movies when you space out the entire time.”

Jeonghan hums an incoherent reply. He doesn’t know why either. It’s as if he’s always giving movies a chance, waiting for the next one to be the one that impresses him. But it never happens. He also just likes keeping his friends company.

He wonders how much longer this stargazing thing will last. The initial astonishment has worn off and all that’s happening now is them freezing their asses off. Though that has been delayed slightly with the extra winter coats they packed.

Jeonghan sits up carefully, making sure the jackets are still draped around him, and hugs his folded knees. He looks around the mountainous range, making out shapes under the glimmering moonlight.

Seokmin sits up too and shuffles close to him, reaching out into what is effectively a cuddle. He lays his head on Jeonghan’s shoulder and loops one arm around his. 

“Ah, that’s better.”

They’ve cuddled plenty times before. The stars make no difference. So why does he suddenly feel like he’s on edge? Like he’s free-falling into oblivion. The mood is tranquil, comforting, beautiful. But he feels like he might cry in frustration. Jeonghan is clueless as to what exactly is going on, or if anything is even going on. But he guesses there’s no point in overthinking it and confusing himself.

“Are you okay?”

“Huh?” Jeonghan snaps back into reality. “Oh. It’s fine. Just cold.”

“Oh, okay.” 

Seokmin turns to pull him in a deeper hug. Jeonghan tries to calm down. When Seokmin breathes a satisfied sigh, Jeonghan finally melts into the touch, welcoming the extra warmth. He rests his head on the crown of Seokmin’s head and feels his cool hair brush his cheek. 

They’re no longer looking at the stars. Just two boys cuddling underneath a pile of jackets to keep each other warm, looking at a great expanse of nothingness.

He knows his friend can’t see his reddening face, but he really hopes his friend can’t hear his heart hammering through his chest either. 

(And in the hysteria of his own feelings, Jeonghan fails to notice the other’s heartbeat through his arm that rests against Seokmin’s chest.)

-

“Hyung, should we go back now?”

Jeonghan stares blankly at the darkness around. He has calmed himself down enough that he doesn’t feel anything. As if the unexplained internal turmoil didn’t happen at all. His mind is clear of thoughts as he takes in his surroundings. He turns his head back up at the sky to look at the stars once again. It’s a peculiar feeling, the state he’s in right now. He doesn’t know what it is but it’s infinitely better.

“Hyung?”

Jeonghan turns to look at Seokmin. He takes in his features. Compares them to the stars.

Seokmin is the most incredible and stunning presence in this cosmic existence, and by far Jeonghan’s favourite. His being is the biggest blessing Jeonghan has ever had.

He looks at him with such a heavy gaze, but his head is in the clouds. He can’t sense a thing. His surroundings fade to black.

The moment is perfect. Jeonghan is free from his worries, anxieties, and dumb pride. He has his favourite person with him, so magnetic so _real._ His emotions bubble over.

He seals it with a kiss. A dazed but determined press of lips on another.

And that’s when everything comes crashing down. 

-

**11:46pm** They reach the house after the hike down, and Seokmin is uncharacteristically quiet. He pours himself a glass of milk and is on his phone the rest of the evening.

**12:51am** sees him with Seokmin’s company in the bathroom as they brush their teeth in complete silence. 

**12:54am** Seokmin bids him a quiet goodnight as he buries himself inside his blanket on the mattress next to Jeonghan’s.

**02:32am** Jeonghan can’t and doesn’t want to think further about what happened. He wants to forget about it and hopes it goes away. 

**03:07am** Exhaustion eats at him both mentally and physically, and Jeonghan finally falls asleep. 

**04:39am** Seokmin doesn’t know what to think.

* * *

The last day, Seokmin suggests they take a walk around the small town. 

They spend the morning packing up their belongings and leave them in the living room before they head for their walk at noon. At face value, they’re conversing normally, but Jeonghan finds that the night didn’t grant him the reset he had fallen asleep wishing for. 

There’s a morbid feeling creeping up inside of him, and he senses impending dread. He shakes it off. It’s a good day. Everything points to it being positive; from the warmer temperature to the sunnier sky. He ignores the pit in his stomach.

The weather lets Jeonghan get away with a duffle coat after days of ugly lumpy jackets. Seokmin looks nice too, wind-swept hair and a long lean overcoat. If they look good, they will feel good. Right?

They stroll down the residential street lined with smaller traditional houses, and Jeonghan tries to enjoy the serenity of the atmosphere. They greet every person they pass, pleasantly surprised that none hesitate to return a hello back. The friendliness and sense of community in small places never fail to amaze Jeonghan who’d lived all his life in a big city.

Outside the residential area, they walk to a market two blocks away. At the sight of street food, Jeonghan decides he wants one of each of everything they find. In no time at all, they carry two big bags worth of delicious snacks waiting to be devoured. They leave the market and make way to a nearby park offering a more peaceful and scenic afternoon. They find an unoccupied bench by a small hill and make it their spot.

Jeonghan ruffles through the bags to get his hot sweet potato and adjusts his glasses away from the steam before taking a bite. Seokmin sits still next to him quietly eating his soft-serve ice cream, weather be damned.

“Hyung, is there someone that you like?”

Jeonghan feels like it’s a little inelegant of his friend to get straight to the topic. Personally, he would’ve talked about a few other things before finally addressing the elephant in the room. He realises though, that the entire day leading up to this counts as them delaying getting to the point. And honestly, Jeonghan’s just being a jerk to someone who means well. The pit in his stomach grows.

“Hm? I like a lot of people.” He knows it’s not going to work but he tries, nonetheless.

“You know what I mean.”

For a second, he considers being honest. He doesn’t think he would be very convincing anyway, if he were to lie right this moment. A kiss on the cheek while skating with their hands holding is an arguable case; a kiss on the lips while cuddled under a blanket of jackets and stars, however, would require bribing the jury. 

But he can’t bring himself to confess. His head is spinning and there’s a constant buzzing in his mind. He feels sick and his stomach is twisting. He doesn’t know why he had to be so stupid and careless that night. He should’ve been more alert and fight against his dumb impulses. Now he’s in a position where there’s no saving his sinking friendship.

Scenario One: He confesses his undying love. Seokmin accepts it graciously like the wonderful person he is. He would definitely apologise, be sympathetic of Jeonghan’s feelings. They remain friends but Seokmin will forever tiptoe around him, wary to not send mixed signals and lead him on. Jeonghan has to deal with the shame and pain of unrequited love and pretending he’s okay. Everything is awful and awkward and it makes Jeonghan think an end to their friendship would’ve been a better option.

Scenario Two: He lies about it. Come up with some half-assed explanation that he just _ felt _ like kissing him. Seokmin knows he’s tactile by nature, so how far-off would kissing be? His friend might not be fully convinced but wouldn’t question him further. This moment will forever hang over their friendship. Seokmin will forever suspect him of hiding something and Jeonghan will be more reserved to be careful. This results in them not being as close as they used to be.

Jeonghan, in typical Jeonghan fashion, goes with the second option. 

“No. I don't have anyone in mind.”

Seokmin doesn’t reply.

“If this is about the kiss last night, I’m really sorry. I didn’t…” Jeonghan trails off as he gathers his thoughts. He tries to make it more believable without coming across as too asshole-ish.

“It was just - the whole thing felt so dreamy. I wasn’t thinking straight. I just felt like doing it. I don’t know. It didn’t mean anything. Please don’t think too hard about it.”

“Okay.” Seokmin utters quietly.

“I’m really sorry. I made you uncomfortable. I should’ve known better.”

“It’s fine, hyung.” Seokmin starts smiling a little, but it looks off. “I mean, it’s just a kiss right?” he adds, and his smile widens to something downright appalling. 

“Yeah. Just a kiss.” Jeonghan barely manages to whisper out. He doesn’t bother trying to return the smile.

The air is tense but Jeonghan shakes it off, again. He’s trying to hold on to the beautiful day, despite it having left his fingertips. He changes the topic to the snacks in their possession, and though Seokmin responds well, he can’t help but notice the shift in his friend’s mood hidden beneath the facade.

Jeonghan ruined the one activity Seokmin had spent so much of his life dreaming about.

-

( On the train ride back to Seoul, Seohyun notices the difference between this journey and the first. Silence and tension alien between Seokmin and Jeonghan hang in the air, unattended and lonely. She’d attribute this to exhaustion kicking in, or that they’re dreading the end of break. But Seohyun thinks it's something else, to bring her brother down like this.

To make him so uncomfortable around the one person he’d always been the happiest around.)

* * *

The Spring semester is a lot more hectic than Jeonghan had anticipated. It’s convenient, however, considering the situation of the matter at hand. ‘Matter’ being the critical state of his friendship with Seokmin. He’s glad that busy schedules can act as a buffer between them, and distract them from each other.

But his mind can't stop going back to that night, and how he survived it at all. It plays in his head constantly. The complete shock on Seokmin's face as he pulled back, the softness of the kiss, his own voice saying they should go back. He hates how he sounded, strained and rough. He had immediately stood up to leave then, making it clear that he didn't want to talk. How could he have shut Seokmin down like that.

Ever since the end of winter break, the two have pretended that everything is okay, and that they’re unbothered. But it’s difficult to keep up his guard, and Jeonghan finds himself faltering the more time he spends around Seokmin. He needs to sort himself out. 

-

The sun shines directly in his eyes but he doesn’t want to ask Seungkwan to switch position with him. Right now he’s seated next to Seokmin, with Seungkwan opposite them. If he were to switch, he’d be facing Seokmin which makes it a lot harder to avoid his gaze than if he were next to him. He’s put a lot of thought into it. It’s a long thought process and he praises himself for it, distracting from all the _ sad _. So he doesn’t switch seats and squints his way through lunch, poking at the salad he got from the campus cafe.

“I can’t wait til we get our week off. I think all this studying might kill me. It’s like each word I absorb is poison and I’m going to die.” Seungkwan says as he munches on his ugly sandwich. “I can’t even think straight.”

“I need a nap.” Jeonghan replies with a yawn, he hasn’t been getting much sleep at night and the exhaustion of school work and dramatic life happenings help eat away at his energy.

“No, I need a break. I need to leave this place for a bit. I want an escape.”

“Hyung’s apartment is outside of campus.” Seokmin offers.

Seungkwan gives him a dry look. “I just feel like screaming out my frustrations. You know?”

“You can do that in my balcony. You’ll have to do it in the day though, when my neighbours aren’t home.” Jeonghan continues the narrative, receiving another one of Seungkwan’s dry glare.

“I want to go to the middle of nowhere, and just scream. That’s like a real thing people do, right? Just hike up a mountain and scream our heads off.”

Jeonghan tenses at the mention of hiking a mountain. He wishes he was screaming his head off right now. From his peripheral, Jeonghan notices that Seokmin is tense, too, stopping midway at picking up his food.

“I bet it would be nice to go right now. The weather and season is just right,” Seungkwan continues. “And I’ve never gone hiking.”

Jeonghan merely hums as a response, avoiding his eyes. It doesn’t go unnoticed by Seungkwan.

“Seok, didn’t you always say that you want to hike up a mountain to stargaze? We could do that! We can drive further away from the city where the sky is darker.”

Jeonghan wants to disappear. Just fade off into nothingness. He and Seokmin has talked about the trip to their friends, but they conveniently glossed over the entire hiking situation. 

“That’s okay. I’m thinking of sleeping through the week.”

Seungkwan eyes suspiciously at the answer. Seokmin’s words were taut and heavy. And Seungkwan, who’s never one to shy away, immediately asks what’s up.

“You know, I’ve been brushing it off, but something’s weird about you two”

Jeonghan winces at that.

“What do you mean?” Jeonghan plays it dumb, it seems like a common occurrence lately. “We’re okay. Just a little tired, is all.”

“No, I don’t mean just right now. I mean lately. Since after winter break. You guys are weird.”

He’s not surprised, Seungkwan has always been sharp, but the timing could’ve never been predicted. Though in a way, Jeonghan has always been holding his breath preparing for the inevitability of someone noticing. And of course it would be Seungkwan.

“What are you talking about? We’re fine.” Seokmin says with a strange ease, even turning to give Jeonghan a small smile. It’s convincing, really, but Jeonghan doesn’t buy it for a second.

“But you guys are like… There’s some weird tension going around. You’re not as close anymore. It’s like you’re physically together but your minds aren’t.”

“It’s been a difficult few weeks of school. We’re just swamped.”

“I think the stress is really getting to us.” Jeonghan adds. All the lying is starting to make him sick. 

And perhaps Seungkwan really is stressed and preoccupied with school, because he drops the topic with careful nods. Jeonghan mentally apologises for the unplanned, borderline gaslighting. 

Seokmin’s eyes linger at him, his expression indiscernible and Jeonghan wonders when the boy who wore his heart out on his sleeve got so good at hiding. He was an open book, for everyone to read and love, and Jeonghan had read and loved him the most. But now, he sits next to him and Jeonghan has no clue where he is.

* * *

Jeonghan’s eyes are bloodshot and hair dishevelled when he decides to call it a day. He packs his things and leaves the campus library. He rubs his eyes under his frames and walks lazily to the carpark through the sheltered pathway. 

Once his car rolls out the car park, rain pelts loudly against his car, and Jeonghan finds the windshield wiper to be pretty useless. He drives out slowly, his energy drained and his brains fried from the 5-hour study session. The sky is dark and there’s no one out in this weather on a Friday night. He finds the solitary mood to be quite comforting, if not a little depressing.

He sees a tree ahead of the road, the same one they found Jason in. The tree is daunting in the dark, shrouded by relentless rain. It’s almost majestic, how it stands with a massive dense crown and a thick bark. The aura is vastly different now than it was months ago when the rain was more forgiving and the tree played shelter to a poor little stray, back when times with Seokmin were much simpler and his feelings were kept snug under his walls. Now, he ties his feelings down with chains and it hurts every time he moves.

As he approaches nearer to the tree and notices movement underneath. He squints his eyes and scrutinise as much as his tired eyes can under the meager streetlight, and notices a familiar silhouette of a man crouching down towards something.

He wonders what the gods have planned for them to end up here once again.

His headlight gives away his presence and the man turns to face the car and, of course, he’s cradling a familiar brown dog close to his chest. Seokmin is completely drenched. His hair sticks flat against his scalp, and his t-shirt clings tightly to his skin. It’s not quite a deer-in-the-headlights situation since Seokmin is lit up more by the streetlight, but his expression certainly looks the part.

Jeonghan reaches across the seat and opens the door, gesturing for his friend to enter. He’s already made peace with the fact that his car is destined to smell like wet dog forever and that his passenger seat will always smell a bit like the rain. At least, for as long as they remain friends. He tries to be optimistic.

“Why are you still at school?” Jeonghan asks when Seokmin shuts the car door, and with it the roaring downpour. “I thought you went back with Soonyoung?”

“Oh, I had to talk with Professor Kim for a while so I told him to leave without me. Then it started raining so I was stuck. And then - oh right, hyung! You remember Jason?”

Seokmin angles the dog towards Jeonghan who can only sigh. He reaches out to scratch the dog by the ear, and it feels wet and gross but Jeonghan supposes the creature is kind of cute. “You should’ve told me you needed a ride. You knew I was staying back today.” 

“Ah, I forgot.” Seokmin says, avoiding eye contact.

“Please be careful. Soaking yourself in the rain isn’t healthy.”

“It’s alright. Idiots can’t catch colds.” He says, lightening the mood.

Jeonghan shakes his head with a small chuckle, and starts driving. 

The presence of Jason makes it clear that there’s no other choice but for Seokmin to stay over. He wonders what Seokmin was planning earlier, had Jeonghan not found him by the tree. He couldn’t have brought Jason back to his dorm. Jeonghan guesses it would be pointless to ask. Most likely Seokmin hasn’t thought that far ahead, letting his I-love-dogs instinct take over.

-

In the comfort of his bed, Jeonghan thinks of Seokmin sleeping on his couch outside and he wonders if they’d ever be okay again.

* * *

Seokmin catches a cold the next day. It’s very minor, but it’s there nonetheless.

Jeonghan is exactly the kind of person who’d say _ I told you so _ . So he does. Seokmin smiles and responds with a snivelly _ I guess I’m not your idiot after all._ Jeonghan’s heart cringes at the reference of him constantly labeling his friend as _ his _ idiot. Just one of the dumb childish things shared and cherished between them.

The dog laps around the kitchen, unreturned. Jason’s presence is comforting to Seokmin so he gets to stay for a bit. Jeonghan feeds him frozen peas.

Seokmin sits on the couch, drowning in blankets, accompanied by a box of tissues and a bag of random medication Jeonghan keeps. Jeonghan sits on the other end, and they watch TV together over a measly breakfast of instant noodles with peas. Jeonghan can cook, somewhat. He knows how to scramble eggs and stir fry vegetables, but right now, nothing sounds better than a steaming bowl of spicy noodles. And peas. 

So far, this has been one of their better days since. It's a normal setting, nothing going on and no looming threat of an awkward situation. But Jeonghan has learnt better than to assume seemingly non-threatening situations couldn't morph into an uncontrollable beast of unchecked emotions. There's underlying tension, or something like it, and it comes just moments later in the tone of "Are we okay?"

Jeonghan, shocked at the sudden topic, turns to see Seokmin already looking at him, his expression serious. “What do you mean?”

He’s taken aback by the sudden straightforwardness of it all. Lounging on a couch, in sleeping attire, watching Pokemon, is when Seokmin decides he can’t take it anymore. 

“I don’t -” Seokmin hesitates, just a little. “I don’t like pretending we're okay. That’s what we’ve been doing, and I don’t think I can any longer.”

A meager “I see” is all he offers at the moment. He needs to collect his thoughts in the panicked state of his mind. 

"Everything has been so weird since the trip. And I know you're hiding something from me. You've been different. I can't pretend that it doesn't bother me."

“I’m sorry,” he starts, “for putting you through all that.”

“I’m just so confused. About that night, did it really mean nothing at all?”

“No. I only said that because I didn’t know. I wasn’t thinking when I kissed you and I -” Jeonghan takes a deep breath. “I didn’t want you questioning me. Or try to dig deeper. I thought it would be fine if I passed it off as casual. I thought _ you _ would be fine.”

“Okay.” Seokmin nods his head slowly. “That’s - Did you really think I would believe kissing a friend would be casual?”

“Friends kiss each other all the time. I don’t see why not.”

“Yeah, but like at clubs or parties when they’re tipsy or something. There was nothing casual about doing so completely sober while looking at stars. Or, you know, just looking at the scenery”

It’s nothing Jeonghan didn’t already know. He didn’t think Seokmin would be a hundred percent convinced, but he had hoped anyway.

A long pause follows as neither of them knows what to say. All this time, Jeonghan is avoiding eye contact, for fear of catching something raw and real. It’s up in the air, the question of where they stand now, but Jeonghan doesn’t want to be the one asking. He makes himself small. He remains quiet.

He knows it shouldn’t be this hard. But it’s not easy to ready himself for rejection, and it’s not easy to risk compromising a great friendship. A part of him is screaming for him to hold on to his feelings, but a part is howling in pain asking him to let go and be free. Most importantly, however, Seokmin deserves to know.

He cowers at the sudden realisation that there’s no way around this. The secret is no longer his to keep when it had wedged itself in between them. _ Seokmin deserves to know._

It terrifies him. He has always coiled himself up tight and safe, to unravel leaves him vulnerable and lost.

“I know you said you don’t want me questioning you. And I don’t want to make you answer, but it’s really itching me. I can’t stop thinking about it. I just-” Seokmin sighs, “I need to know.”

Pause.

“Do you like me?”

Jeonghan turns to look at his friend finally, flinching at the realness of it all. He gives in.

“Would it be bad if I do?

Seokmin doesn’t move. It alarms Jeonghan, every nerve ending screaming pain. He shouldn’t have said it. A confession is bad enough, but Jeonghan had to go ahead and make it lousy too, _ unsure _. 

Jeonghan is visibly shaken by the whole situation. He’s panicking and he needs to explain himself. He needs to take it back, pass it off as a joke, lie again. But before he can open his mouth, he sees the expression on Seokmin’s face.

It’s tender, lined with confusion, and a spark of… hope? Seokmin looks like he can’t believe what he’s heard. That it’s too good to be true, and he doesn’t dare to wish. It's been a while since he last saw his friend being this open with his emotions, he misses it.

And for the first time, since Seokmin’s puppy-crush for him when they first met, Jeonghan realises that his friend quite certainly likes him back. 

“What do you mean?” Seokmin’s voice cracks. Jeonghan finds it so painfully endearing.

“I mean,” he responds firmly but with a smile slowly creeping, “would it be bad if I told you that I like you?”

Seokmin is frozen. No reply.

“Seok, I’m telling you that I like you,” he deadpans. “This is me confessing.”

Jeonghan revels in his newfound determination, feeling much more like his usual self. And it’s weird, really, how the discovery changes his whole demeanor. But it’s not all great yet, he’s still worried and Seokmin is still hanging.

“You really mean that?” He finally says, looking up. On his face is a very gentle happiness, coupled with hopeful disbelief. Jeonghan wishes he hadn’t taken so long to get to this place. He’s so stupid for keeping his feelings to himself, and for not noticing his friend’s earlier. He so badly wishes that Seokmin didn’t go through all the stress he did bottling up what they thought was unrequited feelings.

Jeonghan shuffles closer and cups his face and lets out a nervous sigh. He can’t imagine the tumultuous emotions Seokmin must’ve been through, after being told straight up that his crush doesn’t like him, and then trying to get over that, and then told that his crush in fact does like him back. Jeonghan really hates himself now.

“I’m sorry I lied to you that day,” he says earnestly. “I was scared. I thought I’d ruin everything if I told you.”

Jeonghan looks deeply into Seokmin’s eyes, twinkling like it was that night under the stars. But this time, it’s so much brighter and lovelier. Though he knows now for sure, he asks anyway.

“Do you like me back?”

Instead of a reply, what Jeonghan gets is gentle lips against his. It’s light and delicate, and warms him up like no other. Time suspends, he can’t think or move, but he accepts it wholeheartedly. In that second, Jeonghan knows he’s falling deeper.

When Seokmin pulls away, he’s a mix of fluster, assurance, and wonder. He awkwardly clears his throat, “It’s uhm - I owed you a kiss.”

“Yeah,” Jeonghan breathes out. “You did.”

“I think I’m gonna pass my cold onto you. Sorry about that.”

They're both grinning now, so widely that it hurts their cheeks a little. But they're so immensely happy that nothing else matters. Jeonghan has the whole world in his hands, and Seokmin is looking straight into the dazzling galaxies of his universe.

“I should probably return the favour of all the kisses you've given me.”

* * *

Jeonghan plops on the bed face down, exhaustion clouding his senses as he’s breathing heavily (the face-full of bed doesn’t help). He’s back from walking Jason which really should’ve been uneventful, but a slight slip of the leash had sent the dog hurtling around the park and Jeonghan in hot pursuit. Jason is fine, now, licking the bottom of Jeonghan’s feet that hang over the bed.

He gets up from bed and brings the dog up to his face to stare at him. Jason had been surprisingly cooperative ever since they decided to keep him. Seokmin was worried Jason would be scared, but Jeonghan had pointed out that he let Seokmin scoop him up and take him away on their first encounter with no protest. 

He hears the door to his apartment open, and puts Jason down who immediately dashes out of the room. Jeonghan follows and sees Seokmin catching the dog and peppering it with kisses.

“Hey, does Jason have personality issues?” Jeonghan greets.

“Hm? Like, any more than you do, you mean?”

Jeonghan glares, the sheer force of it causing Seokmin to look up at him. He’s smiling all big and cheesy as he scratches Jason’s ears.

“You know I’m kidding. Why? What happened?”

“He ran off on me.”

“What about the leash?”

“It came off.”

“From his collar?”

“From my hand.”

“Why did you let go?”

“It slipped. I didn’t think he would just run though. Is that normal?”

“He’s an excited puppy and we’ve had him for under a month. It’s not exactly surprising.”

Jeonghan drops to the couch and watches Seokmin starry-eyed and playing with Jason, who had warmed up to him a lot the passing week.

“Why does it feel like he likes you a lot more than me?” Jeonghan asks.

“Because I’m nicer.”

“I was talking to Jason.”

Seokmin raises his eyebrow and Jeonghan responds with a fake pout. Seokmin puts Jason down and gets up from the floor by the entrance. He’s walking up to him, and before Jeonghan realises, he’s smothered in a tight embrace that knocks him flat on the couch. 

“Hyung, you’re so cute. Just say you want my attention.” He says in Jeonghan’s ear.

“Who wants your attention? I was messing with you. Now let go of me!” Jeonghan feigns annoyance but makes no move to push him away.

“Hm, I would but you’re locking me in too.” Seokmin teases.

It’s a full-bodied hug that has Jeonghan screaming for space, but his arms wrap around Seokmin’s neck just as tight. He blushes at the callout, and loosens his arms when he feels Seokmin pull back a little. Seokmin leans back just far enough to land a kiss on his lips, soft but unyielding. Jeonghan parts his lips for him.

Jeonghan isn’t sure how long they’ve been on the couch in each others’ arms, but he thinks he can stay like this forever.

* * *

Picture this: Two friends from high school, inseparable and impeccably perfect for each other, continue their lives in the same college, not even entertaining the idea of being apart. Their friendship is tested, however, by a stray kiss, but they ultimately make it out better and stronger. Two _ best _ friends, everlasting and exceedingly in love, figure out the little nuances that make friendships and relationships different. There’s more meaning behind their touches, and there’s a whole lot more kisses. It’s different, but at the core of it, the love had been there all along.

**Author's Note:**

> hope this wasnt too bad and it was worth your time!  
idk abt the market demand for seokhan fics but kudos & comments would be nice :D


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